Wading through life

Kiwano. That’s what it’s called. Shoppers are lured in by it’s exotic skin:

And immediately repulsed by it’s slimy guts.

Believe me, it’s not as elegant in there as it looks.

Sherry bought me a collection of fruit for my upcoming birthday, thus supporting my 40-day meat and refined foods fast. At the center of the tray was this bizarro kiwano. How could you not be excited about something that looks as unique as a kiwano?

Well, with the parents as witnesses, we can all testify that the kiwano ranks right up there with the most un-edible foods on the planet. The green-slim guts and riddled with more seeds per cubic inch than anything else I know. And they aren’t like watermelon’s white seeds, which go down unnoticed. No, these seeds are more like a hybrid of the white and black seeds in watermelon. Containing each seed is a small packet of gel, which makes up the “fruit”. The minute I cut into the thing, watery juice gushed out. It’s really just a slim-pit inside.

It doesn’t taste bad. At least mine didn’t. I’ve read otherwise online, but I thought the flavor was okay. Very light, but okay. Realizing I couldn’t do much with it as-was and not wanting it to go to waste, I did what any people named Joel Maust would do: I blended it. I spooned the slime out of the shell, threw in some strawberries, a peach, a banana, yogurt, cottage cheese and some orange juice.

The kiwano seeds persisted through the blend, so there was some light seed-crunching that went along with the smoothie. Oh well. I’m sure it increased the fiber value.

So, google kiwano and see what others have to say if you’re interested. But in summary, it sounds like your best bet is to use them for decoration.

So, that’s how we’re supposed to form our greetings when answering the telephone. Since I’m new, I’ve done this only a few times. Most people I work with simply pop their head in or shoot me an e-mail if they have a question.

But some phone lines have been crossed and for some reason, I’ve had two numbers coming to my phone. As a bonus, some number that’s floating around in the community directs to my phone, and people have called with complaints and billing questions. Whoops. I’m not exactly trained in customer service.

Were it SAU, it wouldn’t be quite as bad, as I’d likely know who to direct the person to and how to actually transfer calls. That’s not exactly the case with me at Foote yet.

Hopefully this phone line ordeal will be resolved soon.

That’s the most common phrase out of people’s mouths when they come into my office and see my computer for the first time.

Why? Because 24″ iMacs are freaking huge. And freaking awesome.

I have a confession of a time I did express some mandrama verbally. Some of you know this story, but I’ll share it with those who don’t. A few of my closest friends consider it one of my greatest, though quite crude, moments. I doubt it will come across that well via my blog, though. So, you should have been there.

The scenario was this: Darin and I and maybe Puffy were attending a girl’s basketball game at Harbor Beach sometime in high school—probably our junior or senior year. We were entering the gym, walking along the baseline toward Harbor Beach’s student section. As we near the sideline, we start to look for seats. But we certainly aren’t planning on plopping down next to opposing fans.

Some Harbor Beach girl looks at me and, with a tone in her voice, points out that “Visitor seating is over there.”

I proceed to look her right in the eyes and say: “Yeah? And you’re ugly.”

Stunned, we suspect from the look on her face, she didn’t respond. And we kept looking for seats.

I doubt this qualifies as official mandrama because I was actually quoting someone else’s mandrama—Ace Ventura’s. He says it to Courtney Cox’s character in a heated argument they have in Pet Detective. I don’t remember thinking that this Harbor Beach girl was particularly ugly; it was just the first thing that came to my mind.

There are some good laughs on this site: mandrama.com. The best is picturing in your head the “scenario” below the quote unfolding… and then the man unleashing the quote in a great moment of mandrama.

Here are some of my initial favorites:

Jun 11, 2007 – “That perfume you always wear makes me want to punch an elderly person!!!”

My boyfriend and I were in a fight… instead of keeping the argument focused on the problem he goes and makes a MANDRAMATIC RANT like this!!

Jun 8, 2007 – “Lets start over, my name is John, and your name is Psycho?”

I went out on a first date with this guy and we got along GREAT for the first hour or so. Then out of nowhere he starts arguing with me about religion and berating me because I don’t practice a particular one. I mention that it’s not the end of the world and he come back and answers with the above quote. I’m PSYCHO!?

Jun 7, 2007 – “That’s the last time I open up any door for any chick, even your mom!!!”

My bf and I were in a fight while we were at a restaurant and I told him to stop trying to be a gentleman by opening the door for me when he just dropped a bomb telling me he kissed another girl. He responded with the above line… dick.

And I apologize for the language of these last two. I just thought they were really funny. I think I find them hilarious because I’d SO never use such colorful language in my anger. Verbally at least. I guess I’ve sent a few mandrama-ish e-mail’s in my life, but these are just at a completely different level.

May 1, 2007 – Let me make sure I’m spelling your name right here? B.I.T.C.H is that right?

My ex gets a little irritated at me sometimes for obvious reasons, and decided he’d let me know what he thought of my attitude at the time via text.

Apr 23, 2007 – Sometimes loving you is like trying to swim in freshly poured concrete… It’s damn tough.

This looks fake, but I promise you it’s real. It came by email to me one afternoon from my ex-boyfriend who wants to get back together with me, but also makes a point to tell me how much I suck.

I’m enjoying living vicariously through these people who have no trouble letting out of their mouth what’s going through their head about a person. A loose tongue is, of course, completely un-Biblical…

If this site had been around when I was sophomore in college and an RA on my floor, I would have had some golden material to use with conversations I overheard from one of the guys arguing with his girlfriend on the phone. They were classic.