Wading through life

I’m being intentionally random with my posts now becuase I’ve been so heavy of late. I needed a break. I’m sure I’ll be back in the zone after this weekend.

Anyway, check out Michigan State’s football stats. They are weird.

Their top passer is Drew Stanton. He’s passed for 291 yards but has no touchdown passes and two interceptions. He also happens to be their top rusher, gaining 226 yards on only 22 carries (10+ average). And he’s found the end zone THREE times on the ground.

But they have TWO OTHER quarterbacks who’ve thrown for over 200 yards this year and they have TWO OTHER rushers who’ve topped 200 so far.

So, in summary, they have three quarterbacks who have nearly identical passing stats and three runners (one of which is a quarterback) who have very similar stats. And their top quarterback has no touchdown passes but three rushing touchdowns.

MSU’s reciever situation is pretty normal.

What does this all mean? They have no stars.

Here’s a random thought, inspired by the ideas of William Craig, an international theologian and apologist who spoke at Westwinds last year:

Me understanding the reason behind what happened to Chase may be comparable to an ant understanding why I-75 was built. It’s just beyond either of our comprehensions.

Craig had used a similar analogy when discussing the possibility of other life forms in our universe. He said that if there were other life forms out there–and they had the cabability of traveling to meet or invade us–it’s quite likely that they would be at a higher state than us and we wouldn’t be able to even fully comprehend their presence.

Craig’s example: ants build their homes and whatever in the earth and then we humans come through and tear things up and pour cement and drive cars here and there. Do the ants have ANY idea what is going on? Not really. They just know their home got messed up and they go about fixing it.

I think I’m in a similar situation, though slightly better off. Things are messed up a bit and I have no idea what is going on. I can’t fully comprehend it. But I CAN trust in the one who’s ultimatly in charge and know he’s promised that it’s going to turn out ok.

The ants are just screwed. They can’t put faith in the government to have their best in mind when building new highways.

Over the weekend, Andrea had asked if I’d come back to Ann Arbor on Tuesday to hang out with her in the evening. “I’ll probably be getting pretty lonely by then,” she said. I of course obliged, seeing the opportunity to love on her and spend the quality time with her I had been praying for.

Tuesday turned out to be, in her words, “probably the hardest day so far.” It wasn’t that we had received disappointing news on Chase or that he had regressed. Quite the opposite, in fact. He had both a morning and afternoon session of physical therapy that tuckered him right out, leaving him tired and restless the hours I spent there in the evening.

I guess he performed pretty well in those sessions. He’s getting strong enough to sit up and support his head on his own. He tracked stimulation (a bell ringing at his side) and started swallow tests. All doctors continue to be positive.

But it was an emotional day for Andrea. Up and down with positives and frustrations. Though Chase performed well, he’s also pulled his feeding tube out twice, necessitating him to go though the insertion process a couple times. She said she couldn’t watch the second time. And one of the doctors was quite late for a therapy session. By the time he got there, Chase had already become uncomfortable with his surroundings and was agitated, leading to an unproductive session.

Andrea is tired, but continues to cling to God day-by-day for strength. It’s all she knows to do. She misses the son she knew, but is completely incapable of bringing him back. That’s really frustrating for her and our entire family. We all miss “the old Chase” and pray daily that God will bring about complete physical and mental restoration. But at the same time, we acknowledge that in spite of what the future may hold for Chase, he will never be anything less than our son, nephew, grandson and cousin. He’ll be unconditionally loved by us all.

At the end of the evening, I was so happy Andrea asked me to pray with her. I don’t know that we’ve ever prayed–just the two of us. It’s so weird, because God is answering these prayers I have had over the past few months: for restoration in our family, for a stronger bond between Andrea and I, for priority shifts in our lives… But NEVER would I have asked these things come about at the sake of Chase having to go through such a terrible experience.

Trying to make sense of this all just hurts my head and heart. Below are some things running through my head–some of them silly, some legit:

As I just stated, God seems to be answering a slew of prayers through this thing–prayers that had been cast far before this ever happened. Therefore, God appears to be using the situation to bring about good works. Now, how should I swallow that?

• Does this mean he’ll bring things back to normal in Chase’s life after these good works have been established? or
• Has Chase’s health and quality of life been sacrificed for a greater good? What could be more good that a person’s health and well-being? or
• Is this a case of “Be careful of what you pray for”?

Claiming Romans 8:28, I’m confident the first thought is true: that what Satan meant for evil and destruction, God allowed to happen with one of the positive outcomes being good works in our family; and that God will bring about full restoration in Chase’s life.

The idea of Chase’s health being sacrificed for the sake of a greater good is rather disturbing to me. Some would probably renounce their faith over it. I’m not sure if it’s unbiblical or not; I just know it’s unpleasant.

“Be careful of what you pray for”? I’m not really thinking this–it just popped up. I’ve heard it before and basically consider it hogwash. God has our best in mind. If our heart is pure and motives righteous in our prayers, God won’t say “Oooops, you prayed the wrong thing. I guess you’ll just have to live with the consequences.”

But that leads down a different road–one that I and others have traveled to some degree or another: what if I wasn’t pure and righteous (not only in prayers, but actions). Could God be using this to get me back on track, making me indirectly responsible for Chase’s condition?

I certainly think it’s typical for all to do a soul check when something like this happens. And I think it’s crap; it’s the enemy trying to heap blame on our lives so we become self-defeating. Did God cause it to happen to teach us a lesson? No. Absolutely not. Did he allow it to happen, with ONE of the benefits being priority-shifts in many of our lives? Probably. What does this all mean? We don’t know now, and may not ever.

All we know now is that Chase is on the road to recovery–and it looks to be a long road. Good has already come about from all this and more good is certainly in store.

In my humanness–and I think I’m speaking for most of my family here–I struggle with having to “resolve” all this in the end. 50 years from now, when I look back on this all, will I be able to see the good out-weighing the bad? If Chase fully recovers, it won’t be as hard. If he doesn’t, it will be tough.

Certainly, there are loads of other Kingdom-benefiting intangibles that we’ll never know about. I guess that’s why God wants us to have unshakable faith in his decisions–that they are always for our good.

After three tries, last night I finally got to a game the Tigers won. My friend Jayson Combs called me around 4 p.m. yesterday wondering if I was interested in going to last night’s Tigers game. He was given four tickets in pretty good seats, so Scott and I headed over there right after work and went with he and his wife.

It was good times. It was another VERY fast game (just over two hours–the first game we went to this year was about that fast as well). Tigers won 4-2, with Dimitri Young smacking a game-winning 2-run homer in the 5th or 6th.

Our seats were in the Tiger’s Den behind the home dugout. Good foul ball territory. One came our way, landed on the isle about 40′ in front of us, took a huge bounce (probably 30′ high) our way, hit a sign on the club-level overhang, bounced back our way, and came down just out of the reach of Scott’s outstretched arm as he scaled the isle fence trying to catch it.

I had positioned myself up the isle further to chase it after the big bounce. But the sign stopped its trajectory and foiled my plans. One of these days, I’m going to get me a game ball.

On another note, I made specific note of my ideal return-to-Jackson-from-Detroit directions. I always know how to get to whatever event I attend in Detroit (games, concerts…), but often get turned around when leaving because it’s night and I leave parking garages differently than I enter. Stuff like that.

Last Tigers game, it took us about an hour longer to get back than it should have. Took the wrong road once, missed about two or three exits on the highway, ran into some detours and construction… All in all, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. So, I’m making an effort not to let that happen anymore.

You probably extracted bits and pieces of the situation from my past two posts, but I’ll lay it all out there now and give a good update.

Overall, I would say things are going well. Chase was much less agitated today. He tossed, turned, moaned and cried less today than Friday and Saturday. He found contentment in just “being” for much of the afternoon. I’m no doctor, but it seemed to be progress in my opinion. I even got him to smile at me a bit when I was hanging out with him in the afternoon.

Chase isn’t talking or eating or anything like that yet. They feed him through a tube, though that’s the only “thing” going into his body. He’s off all IVs. They said they might get him in a wheelchair tomorrow and take him around. I hope they’re able to. I think getting him out of that room would be really good for him.

One thing I’m discovering with all this is that it’s going to require a tremendous amount of physical and emotional energy—primarily emotional. When I left the hospital today—despite how positive the day was—I wanted nothing more than to sleep my stresses away.

I’ve found that even living by faith takes a lot of energy. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’ve been tackling this with a fair amount of ambition, claiming all the promises of God and backing them with a lot of faith. I kept it in high gear all week.

But as I tired today, I could sense my fighter’s spirit weakening. What if Chase doesn’t fully recover? How will Andrea react? How will Mom and Dad deal with it? What about Grant and Shelby and Celeste? Doubts and fears began to creep in.

And then the thought of having to maintain the battle for weeks more—probably months more—was discouraging. I want to be able to say, “I’ve fought the good fight; I’ve finished the race; I’ve kept the faith.” But I know it’s going to be hard.

Everything we’re reading on the situation says that progress is going to be measured in steps from here on out, not leaps or bounds. We’re likely going to have to LOOK for progress rather than notice it. It’s not the type of injury that just heals, but it’s an entire recovery process that requires the help of all family and friends.

So this is what life is all about: loving one another, being available to one another, sharing each other’s burdens, making the load lighter for another person. And I am now reminded that that is what God wants to do for our entire family right now: take the burden off our shoulders.

Help me give it to you, Father. I know I have another long week ahead of me—another week where I can chose to cave to pressure, or let you pull me above it and stand triumphant again. A week that will be full of opportunities to advance your kingdom—both in my family and in society—as long as I look for opportunities and make myself available.

And I can’t even begin to fathom what my sister is going through. Give her strength, Lord. May your grace be made perfect in our lives. May you be our strength when we are weak.

Show us the way.